Time IS world's greatest healer. I love looking back and reflecting on all those points in my life where one could only WISH foresight was a 6th sense. I look back...and think...and LAUGH at how stupid situations look in hindsight. (I swear I learned that lesson when I was 13)

I'm coming to learn that in the real world, being cordial and civil is all part of maturity. But any sort of relationship beyond that is a choice. CHOOSE the relationships you allow in your life; no bullshit. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone but yourself. And you'll know which ones you should allow in because they will help that bright light shine through your thick skin. They will support you and understand you without conditions. Most importantly, they will make you HAPPY!!!!! :)

The power of energy. Learn it and practice it.

I will be practicing it at my last hurrah tomorrow. This will be the one to remember as the bittersweet era in my life comes to a close - I can feel it.

thick as blood.

lesson #3489749572348973

I like to think of myself as a pretty fearless person. Even in the face of death I really have no fear - which is either a blessing or a curse depending on how you see it. I personally like to think it's a blessing. I'm convinced I was a cat in my past life because it seems like I have 9 lives. (Maybe 7 now).

God understands that I'm a learner who learns best the HARD way. It's the age old debate of definition through opposition: How would you know joy if you didn't experience pain? How would you appreciate what you have if you didn't lose it all? How would you know a healthy relationship if you didn't experience a toxic one?

My friends and family had to watch me slowly lose myself (my motivation, goals, health, and self respect) as I spiraled down to a place I vow never to visit again. And for what worth? To teach me very valuable life lessons I just wasn't able to see through rose colored glasses. But I'm making a commitment to my health (physical, MENTAL, emotional, spiritual), a commitment to making smarter life choices, and a commitment to listening to both my mind and body to recognize unhealthy attachments from the beginning.

Thank you universe for slapping me in the face and getting me back on track - I desperately needed it.

Growth in 4 years

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I'm already missing my sisters, niece, and nephew terribly! I used to HATE going to family parties back when I was immature and selfish. As evidence, take a look at this post I found on my xanga-

--------------------------

Saturday, October 22, 2005

My oldest sister, who I don't really talk to or care about, is moving to Guam for a couple years because of the military. I was going to attend friendship games at csuf with the best friend, but I was obligated an pressured into coming to her going away party. Good thing I have a laptop, and good thing she has wireless, or else I'd be sitting here watching tv with this little boy whom has no relation to me whatsoever. While sitting here on the computer I decided to list reasons why I hate going to family parties:

REASONS WHY I HATE FAMILY PARTIES

1. fake ass filipino relatives who gossip the whole night
2. everyone asking me HOW'S COLLEGE?
3. drunk uncles who try to make casual conversation which I don't care about
4. me having to fake a smile and hug everyone
5. the wasted time I could be using on other important things, like sleep
6. OH my fucking god, and another uncle just came up to me AS I WAS WRITING THIS asking, "how's college?"
7. being compared to all my sisters
8. AND ANOTHER PERSON JUST CAME UP TO ME AND ASKED HOW I WAS DOING
9. annoying, stupid, loud little kids
10. talking to people I don't really know and care to talk to

Just so you don't think I'm a total bitch

REASONS WHY I LOVE FAMILY PARTIES

1. the food
2. the drinks

I can't believe I gave up a saturday for this shit

--------------------------

I remembered feeling that way while I read that post, but it is such a foreign feeling to me now because of how much love I've developed for my family since then. No more faking smiles and hugs - that life was so depressing anyway.

My heroes, my guidance, my support, my love:



I thank the universe everyday for blessing me with amazing family and friends. It makes a world of a difference when you stop obsessing about life in the future and take a step back to be grateful for what you already have. Whatever works for you, but gratitude is always my path towards peace.

asdjasjd

I need to spit out all these thoughts running through my head but I don't have the energy to contextualize them now (must take another diag soon) so I'm going to quickly make a list and you can string them together however you like!

1. DOWNTOWN, SAN DIEGO. Culture, people, connections, movement...movement..movement. I'm in love.

2. Bum on the street with his dog, painting a picture. How did he end up here?

3. Success. Multiple meanings for a single word. How do you define it? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? How are you shaping your path to align with your dreams?

4. Black sisters are getting matching tattoooos!

5. J-O-B. Pay your dues in the corporate world! Opportunities only come to you when you go out looking for them.

6. KEEP DREAMING, KEEP LEARNING, KEEP THINKING, KEEP DOING!! Be uncomfortable in comfort. PEACE!

break ups

Thank you Sara, I couldn't have expressed it better.



----------

PS.

My sister reminded me about this!

Mia Michaels know's what's up. Best dance EVER (in my opinion) on SYTYCD because aside from the dancing, you understand and experience exactly what Mia Michaels intended (and Kupono is so so hot :X)

"Addiction" by Mia Michaels

This Is Life

Life became very stressful this past month. But the good kind of stress where my brain and body work towards a healthy exhaustion everyday. I didn't realize how stressful the grad school application process is - personal statements, essays, back and forth between SD and Irvine to talk to professors for LORs, transcripts, LSAT, etc. I don't even want to BEGIN my rant about the LSAT and standardized tests in general and how they indicate nothing but how much privilege you have. Thank god Layla is going through this arduous process with me so I have someone to bitch and complain to about how we must go through hell in order to experience heaven. Ok, not even to experience heaven (law school is probably hell#2)....but just to have a chance to say we went though hell.

Thankfully, I'm also interning at the Family Justice Center which gives me time to breathe and surround myself with people who share my passion for DV issues. I work under the attorney who manages all cases of family violence that need service with temporary restraining orders. It's sometimes draining because I see clients (mainly women) who walk in with 3 or 4 kids, some with crazy bruises, hoping there's room for them in the overcrowded shelters to seek safety from their abusers. But it's also sometimes entertaining because I get to read about all the cases and how the victims frame their story, one of which began with "we got into a huge fight before and after sex...." Basically, I get excited when I go to my internship because there's never a dull day!

Anyway, I was feeling very defeated and unmotivated after taking my second LSAT diag on Saturday. The LSAT is really testing my dedication, focus, motivation, and self worth. I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm not gong to let this HUGE BLOCK in the road stop me from getting me where I want to be, even if it takes me a couple more years to get there. I've found a new appreciation for 'processes' this past month...although inevitably because I had no other choice BUT to appreciate it (is this what people call maturity?) I thought I understood gold year's quote to the T, but I've found new meaning for it which comforts me everyday-

"The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving."

...Which brings me to my next revelation. Yesterday was Alicia's 22nd birthday/fundraiser at beauty bar. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about how during this time last year, we were all gong crazy in Vegas celebrating her birthday, waking up still drunk at 7AM going door to door to Nevada residents to campaign for Obama because Alicia was so committed to his cause. The sleeping beauty still hasn't woke up from her coma but she is slowly and surely improving. Alicia's mom takes care of her 24hours a day and is running low on funds needed to support all of her medical expenses. Please support if you can!

www.sendinglovetoaliciabailey.com

I wish she was physically there with us yesterday to celebrate her birthday, and I know she still has much to do here on earth. She just needs to stop having so much fun in her dreams! Alicia, we all love you and miss you so much-






Cherish the connections made and time you spend with people everyday before it's too late. Even the guy you see every so often that sells you cigs at the same gas station. Jdot said something during SPOP closing this year that really stuck with me: in SPOP, we love our spoppers even before they walk through the door and way after the 2 days end. We should carry that SAME attitude with us everyday when we see people AND even after we meet them. (There's always irritating TFC spoppers but we know there's a reason why they act the way they do and still learn to love them, right?) This is probably one of my favorite qualities about Alicia, she is never quick to judge and always treats people with the same respect and kindness that they deserve. I'm very appreciative of all the people who've made an impact on my life and I try to express it as much as possible. You're NEVER guaranteed another breath to do so.

I don't even know if she reads this but,

I really love my sister Christine. She's like my mom, my sister, and my best friend ALL IN ONE - who could ask for more? I mean, I love all my sisters equally but I think since we are so close in age I just inevitably gravitate towards her more. She's been there with me throughout everything in my life and one thing I really value is that she is ALWAYS straight up with me and supports me NO MATTER WHAT. Any decision I make, she supports me.....even if she thinks it's a stupid decision. She lets me make my own mistakes so I could hold myself accountable for my decisions and LEARN from them. I'm never afraid to run to her when I'm feeling weak with the same issues over and over again, afraid that she'll get tired hearing it from me...because I know that she'll never get tired hearing it (I guess she's like my personal therapist for free, and god knows I could use one lol). When I talk to her one day about some revelation I've had....then talk to her the next day about how I feel the complete opposite...she is never there to judge, always there to just listen and support. She's gone through SO MUCH SHIT in her life (and today when I was talking to her, she told me that I don't even know the half of it!) that I respect her so much for the wisdom she has to offer and for who she is today...

If you have people like this in your life - people who are older and wiser and have learned through experience, who you will trust with your soul, and who you KNOW will support you no matter what....thank them, and be appreciative. ALWAYS. I really don't think I would be able to get through life without her.

my true love

Me, Jos, and Stacy were watching old Music Machine videos the other day and it brought back the passion in me to get on stage again. Seriously, singing was MY LIFE back in highschool! I don't even think many people know I applied to UCI as a vocal music major, and I'm kind of disappointed I didn't really continue singing while in college (on a side note - I'm going to really try and quit smoking because my vocal range and stamina are complete shit). Singing really is one of my hobbies that truly brings me joy and love. So...I picked up my guitar again the other day and started singing. I sang and sang until I cried and cried. I just released every emotion possible and it was such a therapeutic experience!

I wonder what would've happened if I continued with musical theater? There was a brief point in my life where my goal was to be on Broadway (lol).

This was the song I was singing the other day that just brought me to tears. I don't really know why.. (I've never seen Wicked although I know all the words to the soundtrack!)..I think the lyrics just got to me. Anyway, Idina Menzel is one of my idols - just listen and watch her passion shine through when she performs...



Ahh ok back to LOGIC GAMES!! Have a beautiful day :)

Rev Run, etc

So Rev Run's tweets have been a good supplement to my daily thoughts about everything and nothing. This one in particular got me thinking-

"Opposition is merely a sign that ur makin progress! Warefare always surrounds the birth of a miracle :-) Dr Murdoch"

Where would we be without opposition.....disagreement, argument, difference...? I'd rather be constantly challenged (and if need be, agree to disagree) because you're guaranteed to always learn SOMETHING. Learn more about how your thinking process works, how others communicate, how your thoughts affect your feelings, how to come to terms with opposition, etcetc. The battle is part of the process. At the end both parties end up with new knowledge to better prepare for the future...so why does it feel like a battle?

I've learned to value the importance of an open dialogue thanks to most of my classes at UCI. I think for me, the struggle comes with how to effectively (and logically?) communicate ideas without it constantly seeming like a battle. My sister says I'm always on the defense...and to choose your battles WISELY. I think it's something I'll just learn with more experience. Hopefully law school will help me develop this skill!

Ok, I'm ranting. But I feel like I haven't had a chance to make sense of all my thoughts recently. I think I've hit this point in my life where I can look at all my experiences and take what I've learned and apply it to where I see myself in the future. I'm sure graduating has something to do with it, but I feel a sense of urgency to keep focused on my future goals after a very stressful time of being un-focused. I've learned that having a focused and goal-oriented mind (and actually being proactive about it) is my driving force. At the end of the day I just want to feel like I've accomplished something towards my goals. It makes me happy.

And now my mind is drifting to how appreciative I am of my sister's who've helped me realized these things...but I think I'll save that for another post. Ciao

Lose Yourself

Sometimes you need to lose yourself and lose focus in order to find yourself and get back on track.

So thankful for all my experiences. The journey continues!

quickie

SERIOUSLY, my kids have no idea how HAPPY they make me feel. And it's always the little gestures that get to me the most! Even when they just say "thanks mommy!' and "i love you mommy!" my heart freakin melts. LOVE.

I've really been meaning to blog about my experience as a returner thus far but haven't found the time :( So I'm giving this little snippet right now to remind me to blog about this later!

STUDY STUDY STUDY

Adios!

Count Your Blessings

"If one wishes to avoid certain types of results, one needs to change the conditions that give rise to them."
-Buddha

There are so many incredible people in my life right now that I can't help but feel so blessed. Just thinking about this nearly brings me to tears...

Esp you Suj....i love you so much

aaaand this song will forever be one of my favorite Tiesto songs

note to self

be strong kid and have faith in what you believe in. keep moving forward..

therapy

I added another song on my music myspace: www.myspace.com/negramusica

It's a cover of Michelle Branch's All You Wanted...

Guitar sucks, I know, but I just wanted to sing....so enjoy!

Thanks to Alex for putting up with my shit and recording me again haha

There is SO MUCH hate, anger, and resentment in me that I need to figure out how to channel it into something positive soon, before I punch someone's face off

it's the little things in life...

Auto Response from klMP0SSIBLE (11:11:22 PM): my mom makes me so happy.
WonThanhSoup (11:11:19 PM): my mom too =]

so blessed <3

live and LEARN

I love being able to look back in retrospect and appreciate life for what it was and what it means for now, there is always a lesson to be learned. Being able to re-evaluate circumstances brings out new perspectives and new directions....and new conclusions, and new beginnings.

I've ALREADY learned so much about myself through this journey and it's only been 5 weeks. Last night we had our Spriracha SHS sleepover and it was the first (of what I assume will be many) A-HA moments of self discovery, my potential, and how I can make this generic "returner" position MY OWN. I don't know if he reads this....but I'm so freakin glad Sam is my hubby. We have similar ways of thinking, and I think we complement each other very well :) I don't even want to get all AGT on him right now but, again, it's only been 5 weeks and he's already dropping knowledge on ME and giving me new perspectives on the program that I've been able to apply to other parts of my life.

It's like having moments of clarity and feeling the warm and fuzzies at the same time. KEEP EM COMING!

Week 2 - Success!

I've been living life like it's already freakin SUMMER and it feels amazing (despite the fact that I'm slacking off in school :X but I made the choice to slack off this quarter so I actually don't feel that bad).

After reflecting on this week, I realized I spent good quality time with people who have helped shape me one way or another throughout college, and people who I know I'll keep in touch with until I'm old and senile and can't remember them anymore. I feel like I made really good use of my time this week! (And right now, making good use of my time means making new memories with people I care about while it's still easy, since we haven't graduated yet.)

Some highlights:
1. Mimosas on the beach
2. RA happy hour
3. I found a new interest in shuffle ball (At the goat! It's so much fun)
4. WS Crew Thursdays
5. Flashing people from a hotel balcony
6. HARDSOFT part 2
7. Making balloon toys/animals - I can make you a giraffe!

There are amazing people in my life right now and I can't complain about anything. Thank you to everyone who smiled and laughed with me this week!

update?

Life has been interesting. Fast. Very fast. Let me make a list of thoughts because I like lists-

1. Please keep Alicia Bailey in your prayers. I'm praying for your recovery EVERY DAY, love. Be strong<3
2. DR.KIM --> made my initial seminar experience a ball of STRESS! But things are looking better now that Jenny and I stood our ground.
3. LSATS? Law school? Who cares, I don't care!
4. My sister got into vet school and is moving back here in JULY<3333
5. ONE WORD: SPOP

The last one definitely needs more explanation! But let me just say for now....I'm so grateful for this experience. I've been having major highs and lows the past couple weeks and this 4 letter word has been pushing me to keep going, and reminding me what I want to put my time and energy into this last quarter/summer. My heart just melted today doing the easter egg hunt with my spfams....watching the connections that are just beginning to form and will continue to grow as the experience moves forward...it's a perspective that makes me feel so humble and blessed.

Ack, time to go, but stay tuned for more!

alicia bailey

i can still hear your voice over the phone, you have such a pretty voice. and your laugh.....we were ALWAYS laughing. i don't think you had an ounce of evil in your heart. you were everyone's friend! and you were one of my best friends. all the crazy memories i have with you that we remember and sometimes don't remember, i will take them with me forever.






every day you wake up in the morning is a blessing. every BREATH you take is a blessing - never forget this. cherish EVERY MOMENT you have with the people in your life right now. i can't stress this enough. we never know when it's our time to go, or when we'll lose a loved one.

alicia, things won't be the same without you. i miss you so much...and i'm praying for the day that we get to laugh together again. love you forever

My Sanity

This has been the BEST quarter I've ever had here at UCI and it's all because of these brilliant people:

(No, I'm not in a sorority, don't ask why I'm sorority-squatting in both pictures...thanks Sean-Patrick!)

ugh....UGH. This department has done more for me than just give me an education. It gave me a home, a family, a support system...a network of minds and bodies that work together and push each other to achieve GREATNESS. We are a prime example of what your undergraduate education SHOULD do for you. Thank you - being $24,000 in debt after graduation is worth every penny. Just thinking about the end of spring quarter makes me depressed. I will miss you guys SO MUCH.

SPOP.

this feeling. i don't want it to leave me....feelings of excitement, hope, wonder, anxiety, inspiration, passion, uncertainty, LOVE. all wrapped up in a 4 letter word which, from the outside, no one understands and from the inside, everyone embraces.

i keep starting sentences of what i'm trying to say but end up pressing backspace every time because this shit is just UNEXPLAINABLE. for how twisted my mind is....i'm fucking BLESSED to be able to experience this again, from a new perspective. thank you coords for whatever it is you saw in me. all i can say is that i'm ready to dive in and ride this wave as best i can! :)

mamaaaa, my inspiration. it's all for you!!!

-----

klMP0SSIBLE (9:48:23 PM): congrats
klMP0SSIBLE (9:48:33 PM): i fucking KNEW you would get it
alifeepidemix (9:53:29 PM): yayyy thanks!
alifeepidemix (9:53:30 PM): lol
alifeepidemix (9:53:32 PM): nahh
klMP0SSIBLE (9:55:35 PM): no seriously! your interview was so amazing
klMP0SSIBLE (9:55:53 PM): i wish i recorded it so you could hear your answers ahaha
alifeepidemix (9:56:00 PM): hahaha i think it was the dutch oven
klMP0SSIBLE (9:57:53 PM): lol
klMP0SSIBLE (9:57:55 PM): probably
alifeepidemix (9:58:21 PM): are you gonna be around during the summer?
klMP0SSIBLE (9:58:55 PM): yea i think i'll be around
klMP0SSIBLE (9:59:22 PM): ..doing this program called spop
alifeepidemix (9:59:24 PM): nice nice
alifeepidemix (9:59:28 PM): wait
alifeepidemix (9:59:30 PM): WAIT
alifeepidemix (9:59:36 PM): yes?
klMP0SSIBLE (9:59:40 PM): LOL
klMP0SSIBLE (9:59:43 PM): yesssssssssss
alifeepidemix (9:59:47 PM): YESSSSS!!!!
klMP0SSIBLE (9:59:51 PM): YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
alifeepidemix (9:59:53 PM): duuuuuudeeee!!!
alifeepidemix (9:59:56 PM): good fucking shit!!!

Fusion Film Festival

I went to my first film festival this past Saturday with Jenny :)

Fusion: LGBT People of Color Film Festival. It's put on by Outfest (who also does the oldest film fest in socal...the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival).

First we went to the conference at the Village and sat on the panel that Cheryl Dunye curated about the history of queer people of color in cinema. It was interesting to hear all this talk about Richard Fung and Marlon Riggs since I've seen/read their work in class but didn't really know how much of a legend they are! The Q&A section at the end got a little problematic (both Jenny and I agree) because they kept talking about how difficult it is for people in the industry to make the shift from underground culture to mainstream culture..

1) As if they are these 2 mutually exclusive "cultures" that don't have any influence over each other OR:

2) As if the goal of every filmmaker is to MAKE IT in mainstream culture OR:

3) As if there is this universal understanding of what the "underground" and "mainstream" culture is (when I think the internet definitely blurs those lines)OR/ESPECIALLY:

4) As if everyone has the same ability/resources/privileges to make that shift.

Cheryl was smart with her closing remark to all the other pseudo queer cinema legends on the panel....that it always comes back to a question of COLOR.

Anyway..After name dropping JENNIFER TERRY a couple times (hahaha) we got to talk to Cheryl after the conference and she SPIT KNOWLEDGE at us for a good 10min on the significance of having a conference tied to the festival, and the direction that she thinks the film festival is going in the future. I wish I could take one of her classes at UCLA she just radiates knowledge....amazing amazing woman!



So the film screenings were shown at the Egyptian Theater. We watched 2 documentaries on transmen:
1. In My Skin
AWESOME documentary of a latino butch lesbian who takes t shots to transition into being a man. He grows up in a very Catholic family and the film documents his struggles going through this transition mentally, physically, and spiritually
2. Still Black: A Portrait of a Black Transmen
Documentary of 6 black transmen just trying to make it through life

...And we watched the 5:00 shorts.
1. Queerer Than Thou
2. Souljah
3. Laundromat
4. Wig
5. When I become Silent (MY FAVORITE!)
6. Dish (Second favorite! Main character was definitely a more scenester version of Sean Patrick HAHAH)

I feel like I'm not really entitled to do a full blown film critique because that's not my specialty, and besides that wasn't the main reason we went to the conference anyway. I do have a thing or two to say about the messages the films carried about queer life....and I won't bore my audience now, so if you're wondering just ask me.

What I took out of it was how the environment and space shaped interactions. It was interesting because it seemed like everyone who was at the festival was just as interested in meeting people as they were in watching the films. I don't know if that's how all film festivals are, or because this was a queer film festival (the queer community is generally more inviting, at least in my experience)...but I felt this sense of belonging and support for each other that's definitely not found in most public spaces. We even got invited to the gala that night, which is their huge after party event. Everyone was just SO WILLNG to talk to us and find out our story and share ideas. I wish that happened with everyday interactions!

But maybe it's because we were hot girls at a queer event...who knows. hahahah

Newps

This is why I love my beach house (and my roomie!)-

XoxOitsmejessica: I woke up had a cigarette and watched a surfer get naked

BE JEALOUS.

MUSIC update!

Songs that have been on repeat:

1. Kaskade - Its You Its Me
2. Deadmau5 - Faxing Berlin
3. Glenn Morrison - Contact
4. Deadmau5 - Arguru
5. Kaskade - Sweet Love
6. Deadmau5 & Kaskade - Move For Me

I've had a hard on for kaskade and deadmau5 the past couple weeks...deadmau5 especially! I'm convinced he'll be one of the top 5 DJs in 2009.

Deadmau5 live DJ sets in 2008. You can thank me later :)

PS. In about a week people will be obsessively checking their email for that GOLDEN ticket.....wahhhhhashkdkhajsd! It's been a year already? What a TRIP.

Twitter....

I'm in a critical mood, so I'm going to voice my opinion about this new social network site Twitter.

I first heard about Twitter from Prof Smith when him and Sandholtz were debriefing after the screening of the presidential debates on campus....apparently it was a big hit during Obama's campaign. Anyway, I feel like the site's popularity just exploded within the past month so I decided to check it out. Normally I give social network sites two thumbs up just because of the idea that they are based upon - making connections with people in the virtual world, where connections with people in the real world are getting harder and harder to make.

But Twitter takes that idea of connection and turns it into borderline STALKING! It's not like you're offered a space for any real identity making. You can provide the standard information: name, age, location, etc but that's it. Basically, it's like updating your facebook status 5 THOUSAND times a day so your "followers" can know that you're eating a ham and cheese sandwich....changing your socks....watching your neighbor jack off. It's funny that the Patriot Act created an outrage from everyone who whined about invasion of privacy, yet we seem to be obsessed with wanting to know anything and everything about everyone else.

I feel like we're entering an age where community based action is getting sucked away by the internet vacuum...and the challenge will be how to balance our constant 'virtual' presence within and outside the computer. Does this make sense? At least sites like Myspace and Facebook still have some form of community building through groups, events, etc. All Twitter does is give me useless spurts of information about you that I wouldn't care to know anyway. If you wanna know what I'm doing right now, CALL/IM ME and we'll have a chat..

COMMENT! I'd like to hear your opinion.

today

i had such a GOOOOOD FUCKING DAY on campus!
ugh i love my friends.
and i love UCI.
THE END

What Are You?

I get asked this question a lot, especially with regards to my race, ethnicity, and sexuality. Or as the intellectuals and those more PC would say - what do you identify as?

My story changes every time.

"Half white, half Filipino"
"My dad is half white/half Filipino, my mom is Filipino and part Chinese"
"White, Filipino, and Chinese"
"My dad is part white. But don't ask me what kind of white because I don't know"

I think me being multiracial (and not really knowing what races/percentages are included in the mix) along with my very radical stance on sexuality is part of the reason why I love the word QUEER. If you're not familiar, here's part of the definition from OED:

QUEER adj.-
1) Strange, odd, peculiar, eccentric. Also: of questionable character; suspicious, dubious
2) (orig. U.S.). Of a person: homosexual. Hence: of or relating to homosexuals or homosexuality. Although originally chiefly derogatory (and still widely considered offensive, esp. when used by heterosexual people), from the late 1980s it began to be used as a neutral or positive term (originally of self-reference, by some homosexuals; in place of gay or homosexual, without regard to, or in implicit denial of, its negative connotations. In some academic contexts it is the preferred adjective in the study of issues relating to homosexuality (queer theory); it is also sometimes used of sexual lifestyles that do not conform to conventional heterosexual behavior, such as bisexuality or transgenderism.

I've always lived with this feeling that I was different....that my values and desires weren't in line with the norm. Last year, I feel like I finally came to terms with who I am (regarding my identity), because I found a lot of other people who think like me. I live a queer life. Maybe to me, queer can be synonymous with radical. The way I think about life, talk about life, act in life...it's all very strange. weird. unconventional. But when I'm around other people who are just as weird as I am, it's comforting. And these people are those in the women's studies posse (along with a few others I've met elsewhere). It already takes a different person to major/minor in women's studies, let alone take a few classes. I mean come on, where else will you find crazy kids watching obscene pornography in the middle of the day between class?



It's hard to find spaces where you feel like you belong. I'm glad I found mine in this department, I've met some of the craziest intellectuals. And it's sad to think I only have one quarter left with them....then we're all going our own separate ways out into the real world - the "normal" world where people won't be as receptive to the way we think.

All I know is that if law school doesn't work out, I'm definitely moving to San Fransisco!

What does this MEAN??

I've been having VERY vivid dreams lately! It's kind of exciting. Last night I dreamt that I was falling to my death......and it felt more real than me sitting here typing on my laptop. I was in my car turning left to get on the 54E (down by my house in sd) when suddenly there was NO freeway and I drove OFF A MOUNTAIN into a black hole. I swear to god my heart almost choked me and I was gonna pee my pants, it felt like I was going straight down to hell. In my head I was thinking, oh my god this is it huh, I'm dying....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Then the first person that popped into my head was my mom and I said to myself, well mom...I know I never say it but I hope you know that I love you. I was plunging down for a good 5-10sec when in my dream I realized, wait am I dreaming? Why haven't I hit the ground yet? I can't be dying! And my AHHHHHHHHH turned into a WAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOO!!! And I woke up in the middle of night disoriented, and mad at myself for waking up. Lucid dreams are so CRAZY!

I like to think that dreams mean so much more about our psyche than what science tells us (you know, like how I think that astrology can tell you more about a person than we like to acknowledge). So this is how I'm going to interpret the meaning of this dream:

Life can take some unexpected twists and turns and drops when you least expect it but what are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna let your fear (of failure, of the unknown, of defeat) determine how you think and act? NO WAY! There's no growth in that. Ride those turns and SCREEEEEEEEEAM your head off in anger, in confusion, then in JOY and EXCITEMENT for what's coming around the corner.....or at the end of the black hole. Take those opportunities to CHALLENGE YOURSELF (emotionally, mentally, physically, whatever). It makes life so much more exciting!

Angeloooo

I freakin love this kid to death:
..because he does funny things like falls asleep on the toilet when he's going #2! :)

coughcough....excuse me

Sometimes I get into these slumps where all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep forever so I could live in my dreams.

Speaking of, watch this movie:
Michel Gondry is fucking amazing. If you know me, you know that I know NOTHING about movies because I have ADD and can't stand staring in front of a screen for long periods of time (if you know me, you also know that this is the reason why I usually have my laptop with me when I watch tv so I could research random thoughts as my mind wanders frequently). Anyway, if you don't know him he also directed Human Nature and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 2 other amazing movies...and he also directed a ton of awesome music videos (for example, Knives Out by Radiohead)

I don't remember why I started this post,

but anyway,

I heard this song on the radio today and my whole body was instantly brought back to the magic! Funny how things that engage the senses (art, music, smell, food) can have such a strong connection to memory, eh? (<-- a thought which I'd like to interrogate further, but now I'm lazy, so I leave you with pics...)

Raver Manifesto

Our emotional state of choice is Ecstasy. Our nourishment of choice is Love. Our addiction of choice is technology. Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none. Our society of choice is utopian though we know it will never be.


You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence. We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children. We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself. We are The Massive. One Massive.


We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring. We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it, we came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal. And somewhere around 35Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these initial realizations that each of us was truly born.


We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night. Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in it's purest, most intense, most hedonistic form. In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us. We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackles and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind. We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born. Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that even tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels. Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands. Programming that tells us to close our minds, instead of open them.


Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the distopian reality of a world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in: Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony, Expression, Responsibility and Respect.


Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence. But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party. You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end.


I am a raver, and this is my manifesto.

me, put into context

so sad but true-

I R SUJ (9:33:44 PM): yea, i figured
I R SUJ (9:33:49 PM): u like being treated like shit
I R SUJ (9:33:50 PM): its hot
klMP0SSIBLE (9:34:01 PM): HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA
klMP0SSIBLE (9:34:06 PM): goddammit suj how did you know
I R SUJ (9:36:02 PM): LOL
I R SUJ (9:36:08 PM): cuz ur an aquarius

<3

Rollercoaster of emotions (thank you female body)
NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF AND YOUR POTENTIAL
Tiesto said it right - Just Be



And the wait begins!



"just remember..whatever happens, you'll end up exactly where you should be."
I freakin love my spmomma<3

Done

The relationship between sight and knowledge is very powerful.

Knowing something to be true is one thing, seeing it to be true is another.

Thank you god (or whatever) for giving me the gift of sight.

Passion

I really have no interest in pop culture (don't ask me who is dating who, don't ask me if I've watched The Hills, and no, PerezHilton.com is not one of my bookmarks). But I do really love and admire Kelly Clarkson. Not because she's a pop culture icon, but because of who she is as an artist. She has such RAW talent - she only began classical voice training at the end of highschool after everyone told her she should pursue music. She gives me the chills when I watch her perform because she's one of the few artists who can ACTUALLY sing. And when she sings, I can feel her soul pouring out of her heart. It's that passion for singing that I miss, when your feelings and emotions are HEARD and SEEN and FELT through your performance.

My December is her best album, not to mention she co-wrote every song. Just WATCH this performance of hers, specifically at like 2:30 until the end. An expression of passion at its finest..

KELLY CLARKSON - SOBER


SO INSPIRATIONAL! I need to get on stage again.

Laura Kipnis

So I found this blog entry that I wrote last year on my old PRIVATE xanga and wondered what my point was in keeping it private. Thus I would like to share this food for thought with my readers..

-----

"So we all know that I’m probably the president of the Dr. Kim fan club, but I don’t think people really understand what an amazing professor she is. If it wasn’t for her, I would probably still be stuck in the same mindset society, my parents, and the media have implanted in my brain over and over again. But she is my Jesus! And she came at just the right moment in my life..

All her classes are pretty radical (radical meaning cool AND politically radical) but one that has shaped my consciousness more so than any other was this class I took with her last year called feminist theory in sexuality. It exposed me to the field of queer theory - which basically aims to deconstruct all normative notions of sexuality, marriage, family, and love (to say the least). Anyway, a question I’m going to pose to you is this: why do you think the state has a significant interest in regulating love? The divorce rate in our country is obscene, about 40%. Almost HALF of all marriages end in divorce. Why do you think this happens? The way we think about love is completely tied to this ‘web of mutuality’ (stole that from Kipnis) and monogamy all within this language and culture of capitalism. What if we were able to let people love on their own terms? I am in no way discrediting monogamous love, and in no way advocating cheating and promiscuity. But why do moral judgments have to be made when one deviates from monogamous love...non-heterosexual love...non-romantic love...non-procreative love...

Love in any way YOU think it should mean."

-----

And just in case you're interested, here is a review from salon.com of Kipnis' argument for her article Against Love: A Polemic

In the Kipnis marriage universe, coupled partners learn to tolerate each other, but barely. They're people with mutual needs that have to be met, but to meet them, you usually have to guess what they are first, unless, of course, they're enumerated for you regularly in a shrill lecture. And forget the fact that sexual desire in human beings is disorderly and unpredictable: We're expected to pick a partner and stick with him or her forever, claiming that we have achieved "mature love" when the sex becomes boring or nonexistent.

The point is that marriage, which ostensibly jerks us into a lockstep of manageability that should ideally last a lifetime, serves society more than it serves the human spirit. And that's where the idea of adultery as civil disobedience comes in. Kipnis isn't interested in feelings here: What she really cares about are social patterns. (More than once she sends out a message to the aggrieved partners of cheating spouses everywhere -- a shout-out along the lines of Bill Clinton's "I feel your pain.") And adultery, for all its bad juju, does have its good points.

For one thing, it completely confounds your sense of time, and, as Kipnis wisely observes, "Time organizes us as selves, from the inside out ... Even small protests against time-management are worth some attention, because screw around with time and, in fact, you're adulterating the very glue of orderly social existence."

Adultery is a form of risk-taking, a renegade act, a reaffirmation that, OK, we may be married, but we're not dead. We're humans with "messy subjectivities." Adultery is a kind of performance art (Kipnis refers to it, more than once, as "acting out") in which "conventions are defied; chance elements introduced; new viewpoints engineered."

I recommend any reading by Laura Kipnis! She'll definitely give you a perspective that you don't want to hear, but can't help but understand.

l.o.v.e.

Just a quick thought: Yesterday Lynsey and I were talking about friendships, and how unfortunate it is when friendships fade. Sometimes you try to do all you can to keep that same connection but people change. Sometimes you have to let things be and stop trying to force something that isn't there. But when friendships fade it opens doors for others to blossom....another beauty of life. The people in your life right now are in it for a reason - be thankful for them!

i love you
have a beautiful evening

Maximize Your Time

I had yet ANOTHER amazing day today which was a good transition into the school week. On the way home from the ARC, TAJ and I were having a conversation about living up our last 2 quarters here at UCI - a conversation I've been having with a lot of people recently. Graduating hasn't really hit me yet, but it's weird to think that I have no actual, concrete plans after June. It's such an EXCITING thought, because I feel like the world is at my fingertips and I could do and accomplish anything I want to and nothing is holding me back. Anyway I don't really know if I'll still be living in Irvine, moving back home, or moving across the country or world. It's the LAST time all our friends and the people we made good connections with are still gonna be together in the same environment. It's like that feeling you get when you're going up soooo slowly on a rollercoaster and the butterflies in your stomach are flying around like crazy and your heart is about to pump out of its chest....you're anxious for it to happen but you can't wait for it to happen at the same time!

Here is a list of ideas I have collected from people while having this conversation about maximizing our time here at UCI:
1) Go to the OCC swapmeet on the weekends
2) Culinary Adventures
3) More art shows on campus (Catalyst this Thurs)
4) Free drama shows/musicals
5) Indie films at UTC/movies at the dollar theater
6) Bike rides to HB
7) Going to more speaker/lecturer events on campus
8. Newport specialties (like 1/2 off food at Newport Landing during happy hour on Wednesdays!)
9) Improv nights at the pub on Mondays
10) Puente reunion (this is what me and Layla want to accomplish)

Go to all those dinners your friends invite you to. Make all those lunch dates you've always said you would plan. Celebrate every birthday. Talk to all of your professors! Make new memories. Keep those connections you've made with people while you're still here, and build on the ones you already have. Cherish every moment you have with every person. It can be as simple as giving a sincere hello and a big hug. Make the most of your time here, and everywhere!




Taj and I were planning on going to the swapmeet after that inspiring conversation, but Jessica calls and asks if we want to go for a bike ride :) I'm so glad Jessica is here because she motivates me to do things and to go places. She is queen of making the most of her time!



We rode all the way down to Balboa Island and walked around for a bit, which is where we discovered Newport Landing and their awesome happy hour! These girls rode by us on their bikes and one of the chicks said "we are so spoiled!" in a really annoying rich bitch kind of way. I turned to Taj to make fun of how stupid she sounded but then realized that I, too, feel so spoiled for living here. Then my feeling of being spoiled turned to a feeling of being incredibly blessed.



So go for a bike ride in the sun! You might not have time to do it tomorrow :)

weeeEEeEEeeeeEEEEE

There are 3 specific moments in my life where I've felt so incredibly grateful and blessed for being ALIVE to the point where it almost drives me to tears-

1) Singing my last solo on stage in highschool with the Music Machine
2) After my first staffing experience in SPOP
3) Driving home today while reflecting on my amazing day at school :)

I knew it was going to be a particularly great day while I was looking at the sun shine through the trees and breathing the air this morning when I walked outside Lexi's apartment (I'm sorry I'm really bad at painting a picture-esque background scene haha). Something about the sun and the air instantly brought me back to the mornings in highschool when I would drive to school. Anyway, it was so good to be back in school and I was genuinely happy to see EVERYBODY that I ran into today! I was driving home thinking about how lucky I am to just be where I'm at in my life right now: at UCI, with amazing friends, in the most amazing academic department - women's studies. I absolutely love what I'm learning, love the professors who spit knowledge at me everyday (BTW PROF TERRY IS A GOD), and looooove the amazing friends I have in all my classes. Honestly, learning is ten times more enjoyable when you're in a classroom with ALL your friends. I feel so blessed and thankful for being me, being alive, and sharing my days with people who make me feel the need to write blog entries of gratitude like this one! This is a general thanks to no one or thing in particular....but THANK YOU!

Never scare a brotha

HAHAHA thanks taj!

New year, new me!

Goals for the new year (sorry if they're rather jumbled and vague)-

1. Be more positive. Turn negative energy, thoughts, and feelings into positive ones. Maintain a positive relationship with MYSELF and with other people. Go into every new situation and experience with optimism and hope, not with fear. Start everyday with a positive thought and a smile :)
2. Don't dwell on the past. (Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect right?) Don't live with regrets or any should've could've would've bullshit. It isn't a productive way of thinking. Practice living in the MOMENT. Appreciate everything and always give thanks
3. SELF UNDERSTANDING. Know who I am, know what I want, who I want to become, and be PROACTIVE to enact change in myself. Know what I value in life and stay true to myself and my own morals, even if normal people (whatever that means) may question them. UGH, ethics..read below for my tangent*. Anyway, Zach Braff once said (he's actually a pretty intelligent man) that our body goes through puberty in our teens, and our mind goes through puberty in our twenties. I know there's a bunch of other social, cultural, education, economic and blahblah factors involved, but this really resonated with me when I read it. Understand your thought process to understand your emotions. (I feel like I say this a lot)
5. READ READ READ. Actively search for new knowledge
6. Exercise more! Eat healthier (typical new year's resolution)
7. More laughs and genuine connections with people
8. Don't be too critical and judgmental of others
10. Stop worrying about what other people think of me. In my head I do this more often than not, even with my i-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. What matters most is what I think of myself. For example: I realized I am a brutally honest person. This wonderful personality trait of mine may come off to others as me being insensitive, overly critical, and/or a bitch. But I know who my true friends are because they appreciate my honesty and lack of concern for sugar-coating and bullshitting. Where was I going with this tangent...........yeah, don't let other people sway your opinion too much. Advice is always welcome, but don't let it dictate how you think. Seek answers and knowledge for yourself, and come up with your own conclusions no matter how irrational and unconventional it may be to others
11. Surround myself with more like-minded people. Great minds think alike! And it makes for a good support system
12. Let love in all shapes and form flow more freely into my life

*In my Eng105 class we started having this conversation about whether the more "graphic" homosexual literature of today is good or bad. What kind of a question is this? Good or bad according to what, and on whose terms? I wouldn't have had much aversion to this discussion if it was in casual conversation, but in the classroom it just turned into a huge debate about what is MORALLY good/bad, just/unjust without any prior discussion of ethics or morality (which is in the wrong department anyway, ask the philosophy heads next door). I like to believe in moral relativism so this discussion was completely useless and a waste of my time. I don't care if you think cross-generational relationships and child molesters are equally bad, because I like to think that there is a world of difference to be accounted for before branding them as equally deserving of bad moral or ethical conduct. Perspective! Framing! Ah I miss you already Dr. Kim..
*END RANT

Yes, I know my goals are mostly focused on self improvement. What can I say I'm a pretty selfish person, but always with good intentions (had to bring in ethics to justify myself, heh heh). I have been conditioned to my (sometimes overly negative) way of thinking at a very young age that it's often habitual and unconscious, but I think acknowledging and recognizing this is the first step, no? I also realize this process in changing your thinking and outlook on life is a journey that ends when you die, but I have hope in this first attempt at trying to solve the problem myself and avoid costly medical fees on a psychiatrist. Sparked by an entry on Shanel Yang's blog, I was reading about this new "positive psychology" movement where they are trying to stray away from the old Freudian theory of understanding yourself according to how you were raised and the experiences you went through as a child. Instead, they advocate for understanding yourself not through a fixed mindset, but one that has potential for growth. This isn't to discredit any childhood experiences because of course that says a lot about who you are. Yet it is to say that your experiences don't always define who you are (ie. my dad treated me this way so that's why I'm like this) but you have the power to define your experiences (ie. my dad treated me this way but this is how I'm going to re-evaluate the effects of that treatment). This was a lengthy tangent for a point I don't remember I was trying to make but...oh yes, this is the year for self improvement! I'm taking a break from trying to save the world this year.

CIAO