Done

The relationship between sight and knowledge is very powerful.

Knowing something to be true is one thing, seeing it to be true is another.

Thank you god (or whatever) for giving me the gift of sight.

Passion

I really have no interest in pop culture (don't ask me who is dating who, don't ask me if I've watched The Hills, and no, PerezHilton.com is not one of my bookmarks). But I do really love and admire Kelly Clarkson. Not because she's a pop culture icon, but because of who she is as an artist. She has such RAW talent - she only began classical voice training at the end of highschool after everyone told her she should pursue music. She gives me the chills when I watch her perform because she's one of the few artists who can ACTUALLY sing. And when she sings, I can feel her soul pouring out of her heart. It's that passion for singing that I miss, when your feelings and emotions are HEARD and SEEN and FELT through your performance.

My December is her best album, not to mention she co-wrote every song. Just WATCH this performance of hers, specifically at like 2:30 until the end. An expression of passion at its finest..

KELLY CLARKSON - SOBER


SO INSPIRATIONAL! I need to get on stage again.

Laura Kipnis

So I found this blog entry that I wrote last year on my old PRIVATE xanga and wondered what my point was in keeping it private. Thus I would like to share this food for thought with my readers..

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"So we all know that I’m probably the president of the Dr. Kim fan club, but I don’t think people really understand what an amazing professor she is. If it wasn’t for her, I would probably still be stuck in the same mindset society, my parents, and the media have implanted in my brain over and over again. But she is my Jesus! And she came at just the right moment in my life..

All her classes are pretty radical (radical meaning cool AND politically radical) but one that has shaped my consciousness more so than any other was this class I took with her last year called feminist theory in sexuality. It exposed me to the field of queer theory - which basically aims to deconstruct all normative notions of sexuality, marriage, family, and love (to say the least). Anyway, a question I’m going to pose to you is this: why do you think the state has a significant interest in regulating love? The divorce rate in our country is obscene, about 40%. Almost HALF of all marriages end in divorce. Why do you think this happens? The way we think about love is completely tied to this ‘web of mutuality’ (stole that from Kipnis) and monogamy all within this language and culture of capitalism. What if we were able to let people love on their own terms? I am in no way discrediting monogamous love, and in no way advocating cheating and promiscuity. But why do moral judgments have to be made when one deviates from monogamous love...non-heterosexual love...non-romantic love...non-procreative love...

Love in any way YOU think it should mean."

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And just in case you're interested, here is a review from salon.com of Kipnis' argument for her article Against Love: A Polemic

In the Kipnis marriage universe, coupled partners learn to tolerate each other, but barely. They're people with mutual needs that have to be met, but to meet them, you usually have to guess what they are first, unless, of course, they're enumerated for you regularly in a shrill lecture. And forget the fact that sexual desire in human beings is disorderly and unpredictable: We're expected to pick a partner and stick with him or her forever, claiming that we have achieved "mature love" when the sex becomes boring or nonexistent.

The point is that marriage, which ostensibly jerks us into a lockstep of manageability that should ideally last a lifetime, serves society more than it serves the human spirit. And that's where the idea of adultery as civil disobedience comes in. Kipnis isn't interested in feelings here: What she really cares about are social patterns. (More than once she sends out a message to the aggrieved partners of cheating spouses everywhere -- a shout-out along the lines of Bill Clinton's "I feel your pain.") And adultery, for all its bad juju, does have its good points.

For one thing, it completely confounds your sense of time, and, as Kipnis wisely observes, "Time organizes us as selves, from the inside out ... Even small protests against time-management are worth some attention, because screw around with time and, in fact, you're adulterating the very glue of orderly social existence."

Adultery is a form of risk-taking, a renegade act, a reaffirmation that, OK, we may be married, but we're not dead. We're humans with "messy subjectivities." Adultery is a kind of performance art (Kipnis refers to it, more than once, as "acting out") in which "conventions are defied; chance elements introduced; new viewpoints engineered."

I recommend any reading by Laura Kipnis! She'll definitely give you a perspective that you don't want to hear, but can't help but understand.

l.o.v.e.

Just a quick thought: Yesterday Lynsey and I were talking about friendships, and how unfortunate it is when friendships fade. Sometimes you try to do all you can to keep that same connection but people change. Sometimes you have to let things be and stop trying to force something that isn't there. But when friendships fade it opens doors for others to blossom....another beauty of life. The people in your life right now are in it for a reason - be thankful for them!

i love you
have a beautiful evening

Maximize Your Time

I had yet ANOTHER amazing day today which was a good transition into the school week. On the way home from the ARC, TAJ and I were having a conversation about living up our last 2 quarters here at UCI - a conversation I've been having with a lot of people recently. Graduating hasn't really hit me yet, but it's weird to think that I have no actual, concrete plans after June. It's such an EXCITING thought, because I feel like the world is at my fingertips and I could do and accomplish anything I want to and nothing is holding me back. Anyway I don't really know if I'll still be living in Irvine, moving back home, or moving across the country or world. It's the LAST time all our friends and the people we made good connections with are still gonna be together in the same environment. It's like that feeling you get when you're going up soooo slowly on a rollercoaster and the butterflies in your stomach are flying around like crazy and your heart is about to pump out of its chest....you're anxious for it to happen but you can't wait for it to happen at the same time!

Here is a list of ideas I have collected from people while having this conversation about maximizing our time here at UCI:
1) Go to the OCC swapmeet on the weekends
2) Culinary Adventures
3) More art shows on campus (Catalyst this Thurs)
4) Free drama shows/musicals
5) Indie films at UTC/movies at the dollar theater
6) Bike rides to HB
7) Going to more speaker/lecturer events on campus
8. Newport specialties (like 1/2 off food at Newport Landing during happy hour on Wednesdays!)
9) Improv nights at the pub on Mondays
10) Puente reunion (this is what me and Layla want to accomplish)

Go to all those dinners your friends invite you to. Make all those lunch dates you've always said you would plan. Celebrate every birthday. Talk to all of your professors! Make new memories. Keep those connections you've made with people while you're still here, and build on the ones you already have. Cherish every moment you have with every person. It can be as simple as giving a sincere hello and a big hug. Make the most of your time here, and everywhere!




Taj and I were planning on going to the swapmeet after that inspiring conversation, but Jessica calls and asks if we want to go for a bike ride :) I'm so glad Jessica is here because she motivates me to do things and to go places. She is queen of making the most of her time!



We rode all the way down to Balboa Island and walked around for a bit, which is where we discovered Newport Landing and their awesome happy hour! These girls rode by us on their bikes and one of the chicks said "we are so spoiled!" in a really annoying rich bitch kind of way. I turned to Taj to make fun of how stupid she sounded but then realized that I, too, feel so spoiled for living here. Then my feeling of being spoiled turned to a feeling of being incredibly blessed.



So go for a bike ride in the sun! You might not have time to do it tomorrow :)

weeeEEeEEeeeeEEEEE

There are 3 specific moments in my life where I've felt so incredibly grateful and blessed for being ALIVE to the point where it almost drives me to tears-

1) Singing my last solo on stage in highschool with the Music Machine
2) After my first staffing experience in SPOP
3) Driving home today while reflecting on my amazing day at school :)

I knew it was going to be a particularly great day while I was looking at the sun shine through the trees and breathing the air this morning when I walked outside Lexi's apartment (I'm sorry I'm really bad at painting a picture-esque background scene haha). Something about the sun and the air instantly brought me back to the mornings in highschool when I would drive to school. Anyway, it was so good to be back in school and I was genuinely happy to see EVERYBODY that I ran into today! I was driving home thinking about how lucky I am to just be where I'm at in my life right now: at UCI, with amazing friends, in the most amazing academic department - women's studies. I absolutely love what I'm learning, love the professors who spit knowledge at me everyday (BTW PROF TERRY IS A GOD), and looooove the amazing friends I have in all my classes. Honestly, learning is ten times more enjoyable when you're in a classroom with ALL your friends. I feel so blessed and thankful for being me, being alive, and sharing my days with people who make me feel the need to write blog entries of gratitude like this one! This is a general thanks to no one or thing in particular....but THANK YOU!

Never scare a brotha

HAHAHA thanks taj!

New year, new me!

Goals for the new year (sorry if they're rather jumbled and vague)-

1. Be more positive. Turn negative energy, thoughts, and feelings into positive ones. Maintain a positive relationship with MYSELF and with other people. Go into every new situation and experience with optimism and hope, not with fear. Start everyday with a positive thought and a smile :)
2. Don't dwell on the past. (Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect right?) Don't live with regrets or any should've could've would've bullshit. It isn't a productive way of thinking. Practice living in the MOMENT. Appreciate everything and always give thanks
3. SELF UNDERSTANDING. Know who I am, know what I want, who I want to become, and be PROACTIVE to enact change in myself. Know what I value in life and stay true to myself and my own morals, even if normal people (whatever that means) may question them. UGH, ethics..read below for my tangent*. Anyway, Zach Braff once said (he's actually a pretty intelligent man) that our body goes through puberty in our teens, and our mind goes through puberty in our twenties. I know there's a bunch of other social, cultural, education, economic and blahblah factors involved, but this really resonated with me when I read it. Understand your thought process to understand your emotions. (I feel like I say this a lot)
5. READ READ READ. Actively search for new knowledge
6. Exercise more! Eat healthier (typical new year's resolution)
7. More laughs and genuine connections with people
8. Don't be too critical and judgmental of others
10. Stop worrying about what other people think of me. In my head I do this more often than not, even with my i-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. What matters most is what I think of myself. For example: I realized I am a brutally honest person. This wonderful personality trait of mine may come off to others as me being insensitive, overly critical, and/or a bitch. But I know who my true friends are because they appreciate my honesty and lack of concern for sugar-coating and bullshitting. Where was I going with this tangent...........yeah, don't let other people sway your opinion too much. Advice is always welcome, but don't let it dictate how you think. Seek answers and knowledge for yourself, and come up with your own conclusions no matter how irrational and unconventional it may be to others
11. Surround myself with more like-minded people. Great minds think alike! And it makes for a good support system
12. Let love in all shapes and form flow more freely into my life

*In my Eng105 class we started having this conversation about whether the more "graphic" homosexual literature of today is good or bad. What kind of a question is this? Good or bad according to what, and on whose terms? I wouldn't have had much aversion to this discussion if it was in casual conversation, but in the classroom it just turned into a huge debate about what is MORALLY good/bad, just/unjust without any prior discussion of ethics or morality (which is in the wrong department anyway, ask the philosophy heads next door). I like to believe in moral relativism so this discussion was completely useless and a waste of my time. I don't care if you think cross-generational relationships and child molesters are equally bad, because I like to think that there is a world of difference to be accounted for before branding them as equally deserving of bad moral or ethical conduct. Perspective! Framing! Ah I miss you already Dr. Kim..
*END RANT

Yes, I know my goals are mostly focused on self improvement. What can I say I'm a pretty selfish person, but always with good intentions (had to bring in ethics to justify myself, heh heh). I have been conditioned to my (sometimes overly negative) way of thinking at a very young age that it's often habitual and unconscious, but I think acknowledging and recognizing this is the first step, no? I also realize this process in changing your thinking and outlook on life is a journey that ends when you die, but I have hope in this first attempt at trying to solve the problem myself and avoid costly medical fees on a psychiatrist. Sparked by an entry on Shanel Yang's blog, I was reading about this new "positive psychology" movement where they are trying to stray away from the old Freudian theory of understanding yourself according to how you were raised and the experiences you went through as a child. Instead, they advocate for understanding yourself not through a fixed mindset, but one that has potential for growth. This isn't to discredit any childhood experiences because of course that says a lot about who you are. Yet it is to say that your experiences don't always define who you are (ie. my dad treated me this way so that's why I'm like this) but you have the power to define your experiences (ie. my dad treated me this way but this is how I'm going to re-evaluate the effects of that treatment). This was a lengthy tangent for a point I don't remember I was trying to make but...oh yes, this is the year for self improvement! I'm taking a break from trying to save the world this year.

CIAO