It's 6:30AM, I have class in a couple hours, and all I want to do is sleep for a week. I've had major core issues before coming to law school that I never completely dealt with which kept creeping up this entire year and only now has it manifested into a full blown anxiety attack. Here is the reality:

1. I was uncertain about coming to law school even after doing tons of research on the legal field - employment opportunities, lifestyle, DEBT, bar passage rates, job security, DEBT....

2. I came to Whittier (4th tier) knowing I didn't want to graduate from Whittier. I, along with everyone else, wanted to transfer. I worked my ASS off first semester and can honestly say I gave 100% effort only to have a 50% return on my first semester grades. No opportunity to transfer.

3. Doing a little more research didn't help. Neither did this. Nor this.

4. Now it's turned into a huge downward spiral. I'm not in danger of getting kicked out like some of my peers, but I'm guaranteed to stay here for the next 2 years, if I decide to stay. Do I really want this? Is my heart really in this? Has it ever been? I feel like there's a reason these anxieties keep creeping up every now and then. Everytime I think back to how I started on this path and the steps I took to try to reach "my goal" ie. undergrad involvements, work, internships, etc. I know there's always been this gut feeling in me that maybe this isn't for me, maybe I'm doing this just to make my parents proud, or just to prove to myself that I can do this. But why do I feel like I have to PROVE something to anyone, even myself? I think that's what this really boils down to. It's not about passion, I don't think it ever was. I think I was using the law as a way to prove to myself and others to reach everyone's expectations and at the same time make it seem like it aligns with what I really want to do

But there's too much at stake to just use law school as a way to prove something. Now that I'm here, I know that I could do this. I know I can prove it to myself and others that I can. But is the motivation there? The passion? The drive? Not so much anymore. The decision I make in the next few months will probably be the biggest decision I have yet to make in my life.